Delusional Reality

Well I got a one track mind, when I see you from behind”….wait wait, that was a kind of a rude thing to say. Let me try again.
“I was the bad boy of my neighborhood, I use to lift the girls skirts just to show I could”. Wait, that’s not right either. Why is it every time I try to say something nice about the opposite sex it comes out in the form of a Dave Meniketti song lyric? Maybe I have been brain washed, or hypnotized. Or maybe it’s just Human nature, animal magnetism, a cosmic magnetic direction. Maybe I just do have a one track mind. No that can’t be it, after all I love a fine ale as well, and loud guitars and long walks off of short piers. Hey what can I say, “My heart is a lion, that no one can tame. I dream with the heart of a thief and I feel no shame”. Wow that sounds kind of shallow, I should work on that.

Long hair, tattoos, ear rings. Motorcycles, leather jackets, sun glasses in the middle of the night. Drink, smoke, never sleep. Cool meant everything. If you weren’t cool in Hollywood in the eighties than you might as well have moved to Minnesota. We were detached, unemotional and fearless. We were out of control and insane.

It wasn’t so much the hunger that got to me. I could handle that. It was the cold. I could never seem to get warm enough. Food you could steal, showers you could find. But warmth was something you would kill for. Living on the street was never easy. The stares from people looking down on you. The living day-to-day, hour by hour. Hoping for a better life to come along and save you.

Shaved head, orange jump suit, no laces in your shoes. I remember my first day in jail. The first of a very long stretch. I wondered how I got to that point in my life. But in a way it brought me a certain comfort. I no longer had to think for myself. I was told what to do on a daily basis. No eye contact. No unnecessary conversations. Just do your job and go unnoticed. Become a shadow.

Camouflage, drab green ruck sacks and shinny black combat boots. Sparkling brass belt buckles and M16 rifles. Army life may not have been all I signed up for, but it did have something I was in desperate need of, a test of will. I fought every day to remain unbroken. But in the end, I would not emerge undamaged.

Two cars parked in the driveway. Four kids running around the house. Quiet street lined with maple trees in a small New England town. Wife, job, mortgage. Stockings over the fireplace on Christmas morning. A dog and long hikes through the colorful Autumn leaves.

Life has a way of changing in an instant. Your mind can do remarkable things. It can create whole new worlds. By simply changing the way you see things or the way your perception of things are you can change everything around you. People tend to get caught up in the way others see them. Yet in reality they should be caught up in the way they see themselves. I have been recently reconnecting with people from my past and in very in-depth conversations I have come to realize that even though you are sharing time and space with others, two people rarely ever see the same things.

When I was in middle school there was only one thing on my mind, Ginger Swenson. I was completely and utterly in love. My Pee-Che folder was covered with different versions of her name. I followed her around campus, road my bike by her house after school, day dreamed about her in class. When she smiled at me I floated. We would talk in-between classes and at lunch time. I can still see her in that white sundress she wore on graduation. I had a picture of her and I together that hung on my wall for years. I never did have the nerve to ask her out. She was way out of my league. But I always thought there was something special between us. But that was the world I created in my head. If you ask her now about me she won’t have any recollection. She can remember all my friends and events from those years, but I am nowhere in her memory. I never existed.

I was talking with an old roommate of mine and we had a discussion about the good old days. But it was like we lived in two different countries. Events and experiences were so varied that one would wonder if we ever even really knew each other at all. I think that’s why a lot of marriages fail. One person creates a world separate from the others. One person thinks life is great while the other one is just waiting for a door to blow open so they can run out.

The point I guess I am trying to make is that this life we are living in is nothing more then a pattern of thoughts and points of perception. It’s make-believe in a sense. We have the power to change everything. It’s all in how you look at it. Some people call it faith, some call it delusional. Maybe it’s a little of both. Insanity just means of not the same perception. Distortion of reality.

You see I was never the bad boy of my neighborhood. That was Big Man Dave’s job. I just thought I was. I was never really cool. I was never fearless or a shadow or anything really. The reality is I saw myself as one thing yet it wasn’t what others might have seen me as. Ginger never saw me at all. Maybe if I saw myself in her league than she would have. It was all a series of events that happened to me, and to me alone. Even though it appeared at the time to be shared with others. Okay I’m confusing myself now.

Happiness comes from the ability to rethink the world in which we live in. When we finally see things for what they truly are than we can free ourselves from conventional reality and progress. It’s not about changing the world or the minds of the people who live in it. It’s about changing the way we see the world and awakening to the fact that we are not in a world of many, but a world of one. Or something like that.

Halloween Rant

Well a lot of things to talk about on this beautiful Fall day. I sat down to write a blog on Halloween but then got side tracked by other news. So I am just going to kind of ramble on for a few minutes. Feel free to move about the cabin. Get yourself a drink if you like or maybe this would be a good time to use the rest room.

I was reading about the shooting this past week at Sparks Middle School in Nevada. Once again the media seems to have put their attention on the victim and not on the shooter. I think at some point we need to focus on the problem instead of the result. A twelve-year-old child does not pick up a gun and walk into school and start shooting all on his own. I hate that “Acting alone” term they always use. There are many people involved in this just as any other school shootings. First and for most is the handling and storage of the weapon used. The parents are at fault for not only teaching their child how to use the gun but telling them where it’s located at and where to find the ammunition. Letting a child have access to a gun is the first thing to go wrong. You can teach your child how to shoot, but you have to be aware of their maturity level before doing so. And if you lock your guns up, for God sake don’t tell your mentally unstable child where the key is kept and don’t keep it on your key ring.

Second is the school and the community as a whole. I know it’s hard to stay on a personal level with every child. But there has to be an effort made. In my day if a child was caught picking on another child he was suspended, a second incident would land him expelled and sent to what was called a “Continuation school” where they could be with other bullies. Of course kids still got picked on out side of school. But this is where neighborhood watch and “Block Mothers” came into play. Something that has long been done away with. When I was a child every block had a “Mother”. They indicated this by a red hand hung in their window. For any reason what so ever a child could run to that house for help. But we have become a society of looking the other way and not wanting to get involved.

A child who kills and then takes his own life is not some kind of monster. He’s a product of what we have created.

I have also been hearing a lot of talk about this so-called “White flag” power outage of the grid in November. There is a planned drill to take place among a selected few businesses to see the effects loss of power would have on their system. That’s really about it. There is not going to be a two-day shut down of the grid to hide the effects of a solar flare or to create a terrorist situation so we can invade Syria. It’s only a drill and they do them every year or so. With that being said, gas up your generators and stock your refrigerators. Drills have been known to go wrong.

I am completely exhausted hearing about Obamacare. Most people I have talked to who are young and don’t have insurance are not planning on getting it. The fines are far smaller than the cost. They will take it out of their income tax return so they won’t even really miss it. I believe the government is well aware of this and is okay with it. This law was put in place to squeeze us out of more money, keep the poor poor and to make the insurance companies extremely rich which is just what it did. There is nothing what so ever affordable about this act.

I am tired of hearing about bipartisanship. You both suck! Shut up and unite or pass the stick to someone who will.

Obama might or might not be of Muslim faith, who knows. But we know his father and multiple half siblings are. They put their belief system in the Quran which was written solely on the hearsay. Knowledge handed down generations to generation which speaks of the teachings of the prophet Mohammad. In the teachings it uses a term know as “La ilaha illa Allah” which means “none has the right to be worshiped except Allah”. In the same fashion that the Bible teaches it’s followers not to worship false gods. Christians have killed in the name of their god just as Islam has in theirs. Until we stop fighting over which god has the bigger…ah…following, we will never progress as a society or a race. Laws should not be based on religious faith.

And now that your back from the rest room, I can finally get to the holiday season. I LOVE Halloween! I love the leaves on the ground, the pumpkins on the door steps and the kids running around dressed as dead brides. I love the parties, the bite size candies and the grave yard scene on the neighbor’s front lawn. I always take this day off from work to prepare for it. I make sure the candy bowl is filled, the Jack O’Lantern is lit and the scary movies are rolling constantly throughout the day.

If I am going to spend money on a costume every year then my kids are going to wear it to everything. School parades, birthday parties, Halloween parties, trunk or treats, hell the will wear it to their Jewish cousins
bar mitzvah if it falls in the month of October. It’s a time of year that’s just for the kids. Sure I still like to dress up as well but really just to be part of what they are doing. Thanksgiving is adult time, Christmas is crazy time. New years is ditch the kids time. But Halloween is all theirs. Who are we to stand in its way.

Okay, well I suppose I am done rambling now. Hope everyone enjoys the season. Before the whole country goes dark that is.

It's just a word

I hate the”F” word. I really do. When I was younger I use to use it a lot. It was a rebellious thing. I thought it made me sound cool and tough. But now I hear it and it just makes me cringe. I hate it when young people use it. Maybe they are trying to sound grown up, or maybe they just don’t know any better. I hate it more when I hear an adult use it. But I know sometimes it just comes out. I am not saying I never use it. But I can say that I try not to. And I never use it while around people I don’t know.

I hate it most of all when it is use by an adult at a child. It breaks my heart. I know it’s just a word. I am told by many people that it’s nothing more than that. But I still feel bad hearing an adult use it towards a child.

I heard it used this morning. A mother was yelling at her young child, telling her to “Shut the F up” and “F this and F that”. I wanted to cry.

I not only find it offensive and vulgar but I find it as a sign of ignorance and disconnect. People use it for various reasons. When a comedian uses it in his act I don’t find it offensive, unless it’s used too much. I don’t find it offensive when someone is telling a story and uses it for effect. But it’s when it’s used in anger or when it’s used in the common place that I find it wrong.

There are other words I don’t like very much. But I think people use them to get their point across when they have no idea how to get their point across. They lack the communication skills to relate to others on an intelligent or human level.

I know it’s just a word. It shouldn’t bother me the way it does. But it still does. Maybe I am getting prudish in my old age. I think it’s very much abuse when a child has to hear it. Words do have just as a negative effect on the young mind as physical abuse. I think it’s even worse when I see the child not react to it. It’s a sign they hear it over and over.

I stubbed my toe the other day and use it in front of my children. I did apologize afterwards. But when my kids hear me use it, they know I am serious. It’s not a word I have played out or used in excess. I guess it goes along with the part of the Bible that talks about leaving childish things behind. If you want to be taken seriously you have to not sound a rebellious teenager.

I know it’s just a word.

Maybe it’s just me.

Empty Hands

For as far back as I can remember I wanted to be a dad. I wanted to be a part of a family with the house, the dog, the two cars in the driveway. The whole package. I wanted the “Family ties”, “Growing pains”, “Eight is enough” scenario. As a child our family was never that close and I would go over friends houses and see how they lived and want that so much. The presents under the Christmas tree, birthday parties, baseball games, little league, dances, prom. I told myself that when I had kids I would make sure they didn’t miss out on a single thing.

When they are young they are so fragile. They need you for everything. Babies bring a kind of controlled chaos to your world. When they get into their preschool days they love being with you. They look up to you and want to be with you all the time. Then they get into school and make friends and they still give plenty of hugs and kisses but want more and more play dates and sleepovers.

When they get in their teens they become independent. They have their circle of friends and develop their own interests. They become friends. You find yourself enjoying their company in a different way then you did before. It’s very easy for a parent to lose track during this time. It’s easy to put the parenting thing aside and become more like equals. When that happens the child tends to take advantage of the freedom they are given. Then when the parent finally does puts their foot down it causes a rippling effect.

But as parents we live and learn and with any luck we get back on track.

When your child gets sick, well that’s where the game changes. That’s a whole new set of challenges. Your heart breaks. Everything you knew seems irrelevant at that point. When your child contracts something that they can never get rid of. Well that’s something no parent ever plans on or can prepare for. It’s realizing that the hand that once held theirs is empty.

My son contracted Lyme a few years ago. And although we detected it early enough, it seems it has decided to stay. He has had to drop out of football, drop out of boy scouts, drop out completely it seems most of the time. The pain he has is unmanageable. He can barely walk some days. He gets frustrated and angry easily. He can’t concentrate on any thing for too long. His school work has suffered. It impairs his ability to make correct choices. Every conversation I have with him always starts out with him telling me how bad he feels and how much he just wants to be fixed. It’s like reaching out to him but never quite touching.

That son I use to have, that I use to toss the football with, go on walks with, go to concerts with. He’s just not there anymore. I miss him so much. He has become so disconnected with family and home that all he talks about other than his pain is leaving. He has nowhere to go, no plan on how to get there and no prospects of a better life, yet it appears to be better than here. Almost as if he gets as far away from this life as possible than he will get better. He is so sore that he is unable to do much of any physical activity. He can’t mow a lawn or shovel snow. He get winded washing the dishes.

You always plan of the fairy tale ending to a dream. You fight through life to get to where you want to be. You get the house, the dog and the family. But life can’t always stay in one place. Things change. Not all families stay together. I wonder if I knew the outcome of the story before I started writing it if I would have changed around the words to better fit the ending.

I believe that life is a series of tests provided for us to endure. It’s a way of proving our worth and our faith. I’m not sure what the end will bring for those who score well. But I hope whatever it is, it brings him some kind of peace. I often wondered if I was capable of love. But now I wonder what the price for feeling it really is.

Parenthood has its rewards. Its something I always felt I was good at. I always slept comfortable knowing that the bills were paid, the kids were tucked in bed, the wife was happy…well there, and the dog was keeping his watchful eye on the front door. But now I don’t sleep. I worry and I stress. But most of all…I miss.

I sometimes think if I just forget about it then it will go away. Like trying to opened your eyes really wide during a bad dream to make yourself awake. But when I awaken, I am still here. With empty hands.

I suppose not all dreams are as easily awakened from.

I am tired of missing.

TOP 14 ROCK SHOWS

I was asked the other day what was the best rock concert I ever attended. It’s a tough question for me. You see I’ve had somewhat of an obsession with music my entire life. I feel like I’ve spent a quarter of my life in front of a stage. If I had to guess I would say I’ve been to around 500 shows, give or take twenty. From my very first show at Raincross Square in Riverside, California (Cheap Trick on their “Dream Police” tour with Ted Nugent opening promoting his “Scream Dream” album) to my latest one (Vans Warped tour).

There have been memorable shows, horrible shows, and shows that were great because of the people I was with rather than the band that was playing. There are bands I have seen many times. (Slayer 27, Iron Maiden 12, Judas Priest 10, Dio 7, Ozzy 9, Queensryche 5). There are bands I have only seen once and that was enough. Maybe next I’ll do a list of my top ten worst concerts.

Some shows drag on while others end too quickly. There have been dry shows, wet shows, and shows with lots of fire. There have been shows too loud and shows not loud enough. I have seen bands play three nights in a row and only have one really good performance.

But in looking back and taking my time, I made a list of the top 14 concerts I have ever been to. Now this is by no means a list of my top 14 favorite bands. And it’s not a list of the best tours. And I tried to limit it to 10 but it was really kind of impossible. This is a list of specific concerts where the band just came together in a way that motivated the crowd. Concerts that took on a sense of surrealism. Shows that left the audience completely satisfied. Something that is a rare thing these days.

I tried to stay away from any festivals like the U.S. in 83, or Cal Jam 2, Family Values, Mayhem and Warped. These were all shows that for whatever reason everything just clicked perfectly and something magical happened. I also stayed away from non-rock shows. I have attended many country, jazz, blues and rap shows. But the question was what was the best ROCK show I have ever been to. So I stuck with one genre. I also wanted to pick the best shows not just the historical ones. I have seen Metallica play street parties in the Mustaane days, Quiet Riot in the Randy Rhodes days, and I was at the Dead/Dylan show where hundreds of people started have sex with each other in the walkway that circled Anaheim stadium. I was there when Teri Nunn of Berlin dropped her mink coat at a show in Disneyland and relieved she was only wearing a bra and panties and started simulating oral sex with the guitar player as the cops came in and hauled them all off stage. I was there the night Cindy Lauper was completely caught of guard my an unknown band called The Bus Boys. The band was so good that they demanded an encore even as Lauper began singing. Finally Cindy stopped and started cutting all her hair off with a pair of scissors. The crowd drew silent in disbelief. One they were quiet she started to sing again, and really did a great job completing her set. Anyway, I can go on forever and that’s what makes live shows such an experience.

You might be surprised with my choices, but I don’t think there are any real big surprises. Here we go…

14. IN THIS MOMENT March 4th 2008 “The gun show” tour Oakdale theater, Wallingford Connecticut

This band reenacted my faith in music. Maria Banks voice was strong and full of many surprises. The band was great. The show was flawless. The singer sang the title track of the album while walking out into the crowd. This show made me excited for metal again.

13. AEROSMITH October 15th 1985 “Done with Mirrors” tour. Fontana high school gymnasium. California

Aerosmith was right in the middle of their drug days. They were so messed up that they were playing high school gyms because no arena or club would have them. I remember they were remodeling the gym at the time and insulation hug exposed from the ceiling. They handed everyone mirrors and straws as they walked in the door. By the first song there was broken glass everywhere. The band would take turns doing solos while the rest of the guys got high. Tyler did a drum solo, Perry sang “All along the watchtower”. As sloppy and screwed up as this show was, it was rock and roll at it’s best.

12. IRON MAIDEN: September 9th 1986. The “Somewhere in Time” tour. The Los Angeles Forum

They opened up with “Number of the Beast” and closed with “Wasted years”. Bruce Dickenson wore a brown leather jacket with a bright red beating heart built into it. Eddie came out dressed at the Terminator and a laser battle broke out from one end of the arena to the other. The sound was amazing and the crowd was incredible.

11.SLAYER: June 17th 1981 “Haunting the Chapel” tour. Hollywood Palladium on the Sunset strip.

With all the bad music around that time, the bubblegum pop and studio rock, Slayer was a much-needed style for the rebellious youth. The place held 4000 people, 10,000 showed up. The streets were lined with leather jackets and Levi jeans. Two songs into their set a riot broke out and the windows of the Palladium were smashed. People poured into the building forcing the police to come in and shut the place down. Slayer was banned from ever playing Southern California again.

10. RATT: June 22 1985 “The Ratt and Roll tour” with Poison. Irvine Meadows Amphitheater, Irvine California.

It was a very warm night. Poison went on just before Ratt. Bret Michaels told the crowed that he was nervous, but if everyone stripped down to their underwear it would help him to perform better. The entire place took off their clothes. I remember standing up on the chair in my boxers head banging to a band I always said sucked. They won me over. Ratt came out and really had to step it up a notch. Which they did. They brought strippers with them who danced topless on stage during their entire set.

09. VAN HALEN August 7th, 1982 The “Diver Down” tour. Seeland Arena, Fresno California.

I had heard Van Halen on the radio but never really cared for the screeches of David Lee Roth. The drums were average and the bass lacked any appeal for me. I drove up to this show with a group of older guys and it was my first true tailgating experience. I remember standing on the floor of that arena in that sold out crowd. The noise level was so high and there was so much smoke in the place that my head throbbed. Then the lights went out and Eddie opened the show with “Eruption”. Everyone went silent. You could heard my jaw hit the floor. To this day I have never seen any guitarist, any musician for that matter, command an audience the way he did that night. It was a life changing moment for me.

08. THE DOOBIE BROTHERS February 8th The Greek Theater in Hollywood California.

I know what your thinking, what? I knew all the songs was not a huge fan or anything. But they put on a show I will never forget. This would be the last show Micheal McDonald would ever play with the band. Everyone was dancing and singing. The vibe was intense. It felt so incredibly warm like the music was embracing everyone. I remember at some point kissing the girl next to me. I had no idea who she was or who she was with. But the music just had that effect on everyone who was at the Greek that night.

07. JUDAS PRIEST March 1983. The “Defenders of the Faith” tour. Long Beach Arena, California

Their opening act (Slayer) was banned from playing anywhere in Southern California because of the damage they caused a couple of years before. After fighting tooth and nail and refusing to tour there unless Slayer was able to open the show. They finally agreed. Slayer however had to keep the lights on during their set, no booze could be served until after they played and they could only perform for twenty minutes. Afterwards the lights went out and Priest opened with “Love Bites. After which singer Rob Halford approached the microphone and said “Tear this place apart!” and we did. We torn it to shreds.

06. OZZY OSBOURNE May 10th 1984. “The Ultimate Sin” tour. Lost Angeles Forum

Metallica opened the show. They played their set on a stage made up of crosses and fog. They completely took over the show that night. Ozzy never knew what hit him. The following week Metallica would leave the tour to finish promoting their “Master of Puppets” album as a headlining act. Although Ozzy did open the show being lowered down from the top of the arena on the lap of a huge Buda looking idol. Jake E. Lee was on fire that night too.

05. W.A.S.P. November 17th 1985 on the “Last command” tour. The Troubadour. Sunset strip, Hollywood California

It was supposed to be a four band co-headling tour with Black and Blue, Keel, and Twisted Sister. The band got there early on a different tour bus. The other three bands were coming down from Washington and one of the buses slipped off the road and forced them all to stop. After an hour went by Blackie Lawless took the stage and said that the band would just jam for a bit and entertain us until the others showed up. So with no make up and no stage props, W.A.S.P. played to a drunken rowdy crowd for two hours. Taking request from the audience and covering everyone from Deep Purple to Led Zeppelin. After which they left the stage and came back out in full make up and rocked the hell out of the place. We never missed any of those other guys. I give that band a lot of credit for doing that. Not many bands would step up like they did.

04. Y&T July 4th 1985 on the “Contagious” tour. The Corona Beer gardens, Corona California

An unknown band called “Guns and Roses” opened the show. Ace Freely was the next to go on. Axl Rose came out and opened the show by saying that Ace should be opening for them. Bottle flew on the stage pelting the singer so many times that he barely made it off the stage with his life. They never played a lick. Y&T headlined and although I had seen this band several time before. On that night, under the stars, with the Santa Ana winds blowing the dirt all over the place. They shredded. They had that crowd up against the stage with their heads banging and fist in the air the entire time.

03. DIO January 5th 1986 “Sacred Heart” tour Long Beach Arena, California

What can I say. Anyone who has ever seen DIO knows. No musician ever, EVER, has put more into a stage production. The stage was a castle complete with dragons and snakes. He used lighted whips to slay the snakes and when he cut the head off the dragon streams of colored lasers came out from its neck. He sang “Don’t talk to strangers” in a cone of yellow light. It was absolutely amazing.

2. MOTLEY CRUE July 3rd “Theater of pain” tour Los Angeles Forum

One of my all time favorite show. Vince dyed his hair the same color as his pants so when the black lights came on all you could see was hair and pants dancing around. Tommy on his roll cage drum kit. The carnival like stage set. They closed the show singing “Dancing on glass” while on a huge mirror with a razor blade in the corner. I have seen them many times and this particular night they were just perfection.

1. TRIUMPH September 11, 1984 on the “Thunder Seven” tour San Francisco, California

I know this seems a bit odd for my favorite rock concert of all time. But there are no words to describe this show. The laser show was hypnotic. The quality of the music was the best I have ever seen. I was moved. They ended the show singing “It’s time to light the fuse” while singing under a huge hologram of a face that circled high above the crowd. I was completely blown away. Heart opened the show which was the band I went to see. I never expected such an incredible performance from Triumph. And to think I almost didn’t stay to see them.

Infatuation of Premise

I think that the infatuation of premise without the actual presence of premise has a very intoxicating allurement. It’s a serene state, a scenario that plays out in the conscious mind. It’s the blue of an eye, the crack of a smile or the moment of gesture. It’s a walk, or a laugh, or a connecting glance. It’s that little skip of a heartbeat that leaves the lungs gasping for air.

It can be sustained in an instant, sown in the grainy sands of time or fabricated in a facsimile of a thought. It’s something that is beyond one’s control and is unable to be contained. It’s life within life. A moment created on the horizon of subconsciousness. It’s the shyness that accrues the instant it’s realized. It’s the smile the surfaces as you look away before it can be noticed.

Infatuation of premise is validation of emotion. The lack of presence means it has been placed just out of reach. A brass ring inches beyond one’s grasp. This keeps it from ever being obtained. This also keeps it from ever fading away. The brass ring always appears to be more desirable while it’s hanging on the hook than it does looped around a wrist. Keeping it from reality keeps it from being buried in the quickening of the sand.

Infatuation is something that takes on a life all its own. It’s not real or unreal. It’s not deep but not shallow. It can be lost just as easily as it can be developed. Not to be mistaken with premise of allurement or the reaction to excitement. A spark the excites is the roar of an engine, the perfectly thrown spiral or the first dip on a four-story coaster ride. Allurement is the desire of contact, the hypnotic effect of beauty and the wonderment of the unknown. Infatuation is unexpected and unsolicited. It’s the hand on a shoulder that rises the sun and brings the purity of light into a grand design.

Infatuation happens on the surface yet is compiled under a series of layers in one’s character. It is a sign of humanity. It can’t be resisted and it’s impossible to free. It’s the daze you fall under the moment you notice it. It’s a tunnel of vision that distorts what’s beyond. It’s the chimera of an underlining vision. A fool’s paradise in Utopia. It’s the escaping giggle, the fluttering heart and the palm trees in the desert.

It’s not Eden, it’s not Eve. It’s not even the tree or the fruit it bears. But it’s the thought of the knowledge that comes with its taste.

It’s an absolutely beautiful thing.

Infatuation with the presence of premise is easy.

Infatuation without it can be completely overwhelming.

It’s the hole in the rock.

It’s paradise lost.

It’s Shangri-La

It’s breath.

(Now if you have any idea of just what I am talking about, than you have been there before. If you are confused, than you’ve either pulled the brass ring or you’ve never been on the ride).

Search for Freya

Have you ever been in love. I mean REALLY in love. The kind that leaves you breathless. The kind that men spilled blood in war over. The Mark Anthony, Cleopatra kind of love. Or is it nothing more than some kind of Sumerian mythology?

I think to get a better understanding of love we need to look into what the various religions define as love. Buddhist believe sensuous love to be an obstacle on the path to enlightenment. It is perceived as selfish. Love should be for all mankind and not just focused on one.

Christian faith sees love differently. It says that “Love is patient and kind, Love is not jealous in anyway. love does not envy or boast, it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way, it is not irritable or resentful, it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends.” Now that is a mouthful. looking at that, how many people can honestly say they have ever felt true love?

Islam believes that love is only for God. They teach that marriage is intended for the sole purpose of procreation. They believe that it is the duty for the woman to tend to the needs of the man and that she must be submissive to his desires. But love never comes into play. You can not love another human being, you can only love God. (Hey they may have something here).

Hindu believes that true love is a passage. It’s a sacrament that one gives up selfishness in love and expect nothing in return. Similar to Kabbalah which teaches that in the quest for true enlightenment one must find love. They teach that there are true life partners or soul mates that remain through time and that we might search through many lifetimes before finding them. But transcendence and grace can not be achieved without it.

What do you see as true love? Do you see the expression of the warmth, the excitement, the desires that become aroused and a chemistry that creates a euphoric bliss? That is not a sign of love. On the contrary, a sign of love is something so simple that you just know it’s there. You just know you don’t want to be without this person for one moment. It’s the washing away of all your sins with the single caress of a hand.

We can fall into love so easily. One look, one smile, one laugh and we are captivated.

When we fall in love, our brains respond to a chemical reaction similar to what happens when taking cocaine. We crave it, can’t get enough of it. Love can motivate our actions and reactions. Love can make us blind.

William Shakespeare might have been on to something when he wrote this for “Romeo and Juliet”.

“Love is smoke made out of lovers’ sighs. When the smoke clears, love is a fire burning in your lover’s eyes. If you frustrate love, you get an ocean made out of lovers’ tears. What else is love? It’s a wise form of madness. It’s a sweet lozenge that you choke on.”

Maybe Adele is just delusional when she wrote these lyrics.

“Whenever I’m alone with you
You make me feel like I am home again
Whenever I’m alone with you
You make me feel like I am whole again

Whenever I’m alone with you
You make me feel like I am young again
Whenever I’m alone with you
You make me feel like I am fun again.”

I mean is she saying that she is nothing without this person? That has to suck for the other person, I mean what does she have to offer him if he is her whole life?

Here is my personal take on this crazy little thing called love.

Love should be a constantly progression of growth. It should never stand still. You should constantly strive to better yourself so that you can better the love your in. Does that make sense? I don’t want to be someone’s whole world. I want to grow and learn from the one I am with. Insecurity and doubt breed in still water. If your not traveling down the river than your not going anywhere.

I do believe that love is not jealous. There is no green eyed monster. Jealousy is for the teenagers who don’t know any better. You can not have a deep love for someone if your feeling any kind of animosity or resentment towards that person. If you are then it’s time to do a little soul searching. Before I was married I lived with this woman. One evening she came home upset and crying. She told me that she had something to tell me. She said that she was very sorry but a few days prior she had gone out to dinner with a co-worker and one thing led to another. They ended up in bed together. I told her that she shouldn’t be sorry for doing something that she wanted to do. Love should be free not restricting. She got even more upset and told me that I didn’t love her because I wasn’t mad about this. But the reality was that she just had a different outlook on love. I don’t want someone to not do something they want to do because they don’t want to hurt me. I’m a big boy, I think I can handle it. I want them to not do something because they don’t want to do it. Her sleeping with another man did hurt, and it weakened the strength of our intimacy. But it never changed the way I felt about her. I was grateful for the time we spent together, whether it was a year, a month or just a moment.

I believe that love has to be equal in order for it to exists. You can love the smell of a Gardenia in Spring, but you can’t be in love with it because it is incapable of loving you back. You have to be willing to give without the expectations of receiving, yet understand when it’s not received. You can’t give your love to someone and then just give up on yourself. I mean you want to be desirable to the one you desire, otherwise your asking that person to settle. You can say, “Well if you love me you will love me no matter how much I let myself go”, and they just might, but is it fair? You should love so much that you want to give that person the best of you, otherwise it’s not love at all.

People tend to get caught up in the whole “Rules” of relationships and the “Laws” of marriage. It becomes a game of control and power. You with hold sex, you refuse to share in the chores, you stand in the middle of a pond going nowhere at all. Sinking in the mud. Love is not complicated. You do or you don’t. It’s not avoiding reality or fueling insecurities. It’s the creation of something beautiful. It’s intimate and passionate and desirable.

It’s the constant search for Freya. The Valkyrie. The Norse woman who risked everything for love. The love she left behind was so bright that the story is told it became the Northern lights. That’s what love is, a light so bright it is absent of all darkness.

Love should not be blind, or binding, or complicated. It should be Eden, not the cross.